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The Long Covid Collective

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Does any else struggle with the loss of their old self? And if yes, what helps you?

Yesterday I faced a lot of things that I am (currently) not doing anymore. I tried another work out from my covid programme but again my body responded poorly. So I decided to distract myself by logging into my work laptop, hoping to speak to some colleagues but they were all busy.

And that made me realize, just how much the covid flare up from 6 weeks ago took from me. How little there is left of who I was. I have always been an active person, and I was so happy and proud that during my covid recovery I was able to walk again and work out. But I can't do that right now. And I was working a little every day, so I had some purpose and I was talking to people. Even in my relationship I feel more like a patient than a partner sometimes. Not being able to go on dates whenever we want, having to ask for help so much. We had to stop planning our month long mexico trip because we don't know when I am better, I had to stop looking for a job I am actually passionate about (I am specialised in criminal law/human rights but I work in insurance law right now) because I don't know when I am back.

And it's not just the 'doing' of things, but also the 'being' of myself. I was in the middle of transitioning from a student to my now work life. I haden't figured who that version of me is. So the loss just feels so big. Especially without a magic wand that gives me a timeframe when I can start to live again.

How do you find yourself in a season where you don't have energy to do any 'finding'? I know it is in the small things. But sometimes the small things don't really cut it.

Thanks for the space to vent 🩷

Jemma Bella
George McNally
Jemma Bella
Jemma Bella
Sep 05, 2023

This is such a good point you have made Charlotte and I have definitely experienced all of these same thoughts. I completely agree that the loss can feel so big because of how much it takes. I almost try really hard not to think too deeply about it or else it can tend to make me feel very sad indeed!

I think loosing your sense of purpose can be an incredibly difficult thing to come to terms with. Especially since so many LC sufferers seems to have similar personalities with a strong work ethic and their commitment to others…so loosing the ability to excel in these areas are so incredibly hard to come to terms with.

I am so sorry that you feel so much is on hold at the moment with your job and your trip to Mexico and even simple things like dates. I honestly feel exactly the same as you in terms of these little and bigs things that aren’t possible right now.

I really like your question about how do you find yourself. Because I have been asking myself this in many different ways too. And yes, I completely agree…I try so hard to focus on the small things and be grateful blah blah blah… but you are so right - it does not always cut it!!

I guess although it is frustrating, it is focusing on what you can do and what you are able to plan for (so basically the small things - eurghh!). I feel I am going through such a brain re-wiring - not just with the long Covid nervous system regulation, but also with how my brain responds and preserves things. So I am working on placing less emphasis and value on what I achieve in a day and instead just learning to ‘be’. Although it is a lot harder to do than said. But to be quite honest, I haven’t figured it out fully yet, and not sure I will ever… sometimes it’s okay just to be bloody angry and frustrated and confused and upset. And it’s so great you wrote it all down on here so beautifully Charlotte. Thank you so much! It has really made me think!

Hope you’re doing okay and I just know that soon (maybe not now) but soon, you’ll be headed to Mexico!

Sending so much love ❤️

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